For my first Redesign with Words blog post I wanted to share something I wrote two years ago that still feels relevant. What I am learning from this experiment is that writing from the past has a time capsule like quality. Writing can be a powerful tool that paints a much larger picture to review exactly where you’ve been, in contrast to where you are now.
It’s no wonder I cleverly found so many excuses not to write. 2 years ago I was in a place of exploring what I’ll refer to as the not “nice” aspects of myself. What was below the surface was an intense burn the house down type of anger that I doubt most people would believe if they only saw my facade. This emotion of anger had been so neglected and unexpressed that the triggers were becoming many and their frequency was ever increasing.
I shared what I’d written with several mentors for their feedback. They said that they loved the beginning but that the ending felt like it was coming from a perspective of anger. They told me you are a different person today and your energy is different. Their recommendation was speaking from my “Realign with the Divine” perspective and to only talk about what I am for and not what I am against.
They were correct in their assessment. In hindsight, what I see with fresh eyes is that this writing was the beginning of an alchemical process where anger transformed into passion. Buried in the upset were the early signs of reconnecting with my full life force energy. Getting angry and exploring rage were a NECESSARY part of my healing process. Anger in our culture often goes unexpressed and leads to a number of different physical manifestations when it isn’t properly channeled or integrated into our psyches. For me, exploring my anger also signified a greater understanding of the intensity of my unexpressed passion.
I am FOR full expression of all emotions! I am FOR understanding different perspectives! I am FOR conflict & disagreement! I am FOR exploring these states of being because agitation plays an essential role in the scientific process as well as in the alchemical process! In my case, the “gold” that was revealed having gone through the neglected emotions and angry blocks was tremendous light patiently waiting to be expressed!
Below is the writing from two years ago.
I’ve never experienced anything as tumultuous as a spiritual awakening. I’ve halted my own progress hundreds of times. With questions like am I doing enough? Am I doing anything that has meaning with my life’s work? A horrible pattern emerged. A negative self deprecating loop of shame, guilt, little self worth and self confidence. I felt extreme disappointment, no fulfillment and no options on how I could achieve a happier life. Sifting through my rage led me to examine my motivations. Basically, the minuscule number of choices I found myself with were all because of the financial pressures of our times. I felt owned even while working for myself. I had done what any good capitalist was taught to do, I had willingly relinquished my spirit in exchange for what I was taught to “want”. The results devastated my psyche. Creativity, what was that? It was like I had become a surrogate mother for other people’s babies while having to block my own dream of motherhood in a figurative sense.
Waking up to what many people would consider a relatively beautiful life why did I still feel so purposeless? Where was my WHY?
One day while on a nature walk, John Lennon’s song Imagine came on. It was the first time I ever let the full understanding of his gorgeous words into my own greater depths.
Imagine Imagine there’s no heaven It’s easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today… Aha-ah… Imagine there’s no countries It isn’t hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion, too Imagine all the people Living life in peace… You… You may say I’m a dreamer But I’m not the only one I hope someday you’ll join us And the world will be as one Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world… You… You may say I’m a dreamer But I’m not the only one I hope someday you’ll join us And the world will live as oneWhen I listen deeply within, the messages I receive perfectly align with these lyrics. And I know that every day, the greatest thing I can do, my real work, is to help people remember. To remember the what could be, that somehow disappears as we go through many years of programming & brainwashing. I urge you to travel back through your stored cellular memories. There lies your essence. It’s been there all along waiting for you to come home. We are universally one people. During a recent dinner, I shared that the best thing I could do was to see and hold the vision of this world that John knows is possible in my own meditation. To see, to really see the way we’ve been existing and feel the pain of how truly wrong it is for all of our lives. It will take getting the majority to remember what could be, to create this more beautiful shared vision of life on Earth. My only job is to be the most authentic version of myself. That has the potential to activate anyone that I encounter to tap into their own unique selves. This is the greatest job I have here. The power to transform is here. I desperately wanted everything to be “nice”. I didn’t realize that to feel, really feel, that I would have to face the harsh realities of the modern world. If I attempted to describe my life of “nice” I would call it one note. It wasn’t until I let in the magnitude of how capitalism & money dominated both my choices and aspirations. I could only see myself & my worth through the lens of capitalism. I misunderstood who I was and my own power because of this system. If only money can create change then why am I bothering? I’ll never have enough money to make an actual impact. But there is a deeper truth that hadn’t been revealed to me yet. It wasn’t until I was able to see through the collective consciousness and find the greater consciousness that I could even utilize my strength and perseverance. If I awaken, we can all come out of our slumber. We can open our hearts and minds. We can always choose love. We can always search for truth. If we lift the veil of an agenda that’s been imposed on us without our consent we can come together to not make America great again but to first see our own greatness and realize that we are the powerful ones. Our thoughts, words and emotions all have a vibration attached to them. And if I follow love, if I follow truth, there is a high vibrating energy to those intangible things that creates space for a physical manifestation to be birthed. Eventually this becomes both a more inviting inner world where creativity flourishes and eventually the outer world mirrors this and everyone sees that while there are finite environmental resources there is an endless well of creativity waiting for us to drink from. It is my job & your job to ultimately question everything. The most important questions are those that a child might ask. But why? Just like a child. If something doesn’t make sense, if something isn’t human, if something perpetuates suffering we must accept that we forgot the way. We must feel and accept the pain of our ignorance. At least for me there was a lot of pain to feel as I looked at the world with childlike eyes. There was so much pain. I wrestled with the concept that I was truly happier in ignorance. I realize that not everyone is ready to do this. It is my hope that my courage will give others courage to say these systems we’ve built have failed us. They are inhuman. They have lost whatever loving intention they may have been initially instituted with. This is the message my soul made me share. To join others that see this already and those that sense that something is very wrong. I was deeply saddened when others told me they couldn’t see this happening. My only reply was, of course it can’t happen if you can’t even envision a world where it could. I asked if they had ever meditated on love or peace and they had not. So I urge you to envision, to dream of the greatest world you can Imagine. And because there is frequency & energy attached to those thoughts there is also the potential to transform what’s broken & fragmented into a healed & more beautiful world. Back to the present! Anger and passion have similar frequencies and at this time two years ago I didn’t yet have the consciousness to use these powerful energies effectively. It’s likely that if you are here that you too are on a path to self mastery and that means, looking at everything, not just what’s good or nice. It means looking at what is hurting you internally & externally with a flashlight and exposing everything to the light so that it can be healed and these energies can be used for creation. Sit with your difficult feelings long enough and it’s inevitable that your inner world will expand. Much Love, Jacqueline